i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize