Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I pour the whiskey from now on
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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