Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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