I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
