I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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