I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
