tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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