we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
