Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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