cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
