Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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