i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I wear drunk well.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize