i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
