I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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