FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
