in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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