First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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