I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize