I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
