woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
