Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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