but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
