You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
