She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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