no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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