My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
