No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She bit a glass in half.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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