Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
