You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
