Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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