so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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