I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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