tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
