They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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