life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
