Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
