let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
