It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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