woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
