im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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