Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
