mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
