im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
