ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
