Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
