Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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