My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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