she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
