i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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