Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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