I think I just saw someone hide a body.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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