Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
