This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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