i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
accomplished twins. life is a go
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
