if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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