i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
