Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
