I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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