Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
