It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
