Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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